Goldilocks And The Three Slings

I have a sling problem--of the baby sort, not the injured sort.

Like a thousand-and-one new mothers out there, I used the free code in the back of Us Weekly magazine and ordered a baby sling for the low, low, bargain price of shipping alone. Based on the height, weight and t-shirt size indicators on the website, I ordered a Size 2 sling and didn't bother to try it on when it arrived two months prior to my daughter's birth.

Fast forward to two weeks after her arrival, when I finally got around to trying the thing on. Alone, mind you. As in, nobody in the house but me, myself and I (oh, and my newborn).

Now, I'm clearly no expert on baby contraptions, but I'm pretty sure that a sling that could barely fit my torso all by its lonesome, probably wasn't meant to have a baby in there, as well. But I never claimed to be smart. So I squished the two of us in there together (correction: four of us, if you count each of my breasts, which I do at this point in my breastfeeding life cycle).

For about 10 seconds, it seemed like it was working. Until the claustrophobia and cold sweats settled in when I realized that I might have gotten both of us in, but there was no way I was getting us both out. At least not comfortably.

My exit strategy mirrored the technique I use to get sausage out of the cylindrical casing it comes in. And yes, my newborn would be the sausage in this scenario (Please don't call Child Protective Services. I promise I was kneeling only a few feet from the carpeted ground as I did this).

Bottom line: I got us out. And then I took the time to actually measure my torso before re-ordering the Size 5 that my measurements indicated.

Only problem: the Size 5 sling arrived and even after a round of washing and shrinking, it's still too big.

Too small. Too big. Too tight. Too loose. I'm close to giving up. Or better yet: using one of my nifty, stored-up gift cards to pay for a more sophisticated, properly-fitted sling.

Thoughts?

Is this a lesson in things that are too good to be true if they're "free"?