I’m woman enough to admit that I haven’t had the best week.
Just plain and simple, I’ve been in a pretty blue head space.
UGH.
Luckily, I’m pretty adept at marinating in my emotions and getting to the root of things. Because, for me, 90% of any mental battle is putting a name to what I’m feeling, acknowledging it in all its good, bad or ugly, and then moving onward and upward to the best of my ability (and this blog is often a helpful way to move that process along).
Of course, this go around, it hasn’t been complicated (like, at all) to get to the root of my emotional baggage. It’s pretty surface level at the moment, and glaringly obvious:
Our water disaster and all the associated fallout and life upheaval is the absolute source of my angst at the moment.
Just, BOOOOOOOOO.
The only thing I’ve been sorting through is the question of why, during this week in particular, it hit me so hard.
And I think the answer is that we’ve very clearly moved from the initial, frenetic, triage phase of this disaster, into the long haul of it all. And that’s a whole different bag of tricks to navigate and process your way through.
As anyone who has experienced any sort of major home issue/accident/disaster involving insurance and a whole lotta hassle can attest: it is not a quick and simple solution. Like grief, it is a multilayered thing filled with both forward and backward momentum, project creep that can turn a molehill into a mountain, and the sense of hemorrhaging finances with no end in sight.
It’s pretty much a logistical nightmare, even in the best of times.
It typically involves a hefty insurance premium and additional out-of-pocket costs (again, that heinous project creep), even in the best of times.
And it always—always—takes far longer than you hope and pray it will. Even in the best of times.
It’s just no fun to deal with major house stuff.
And I say that as someone who feels like they’ve had more than their fair share of logistical nightmares related to this particular casa of ours.
So much, in fact, that you think I’d be used to it by now. And perhaps numb or immune to the brunt of it. And in a weird way, I sort of am.
But I’m still human.
And even if I’m navigating this particular disaster with more grace and level-headedness than some of our previous home disasters, I still have my moments.
And my pity parties with my miniature violin and some consolation chocolate.
Darn these complicated emotions that get to us in these times. They are wandering, festering, compounding things. And this week, the largest of my negative emotions is probably resentment, if I had to put a name to it.
If you’ve followed along on this here blog for any length of time, you’ve certainly read about some of the incredible obstacles we’ve faced as owners of this house. We’ve experienced pretty much the whole gamut that could be thrown at us, which makes it sometimes hard to believe that the hits just keep on coming.
To put it in a direct way: I’m not sure there’s enough sage in this world to clear out the negative mojo that seems to exist for us here! And I’m finding myself in the questioning stage of this process.
Why us??
Why another home disaster??
What is God trying to teach us through this???
What is this home trying to tell us??
Are we meant to go through this to bond further with this property, or to feel free enough to give it the heave-ho and start fresh??
Are we going through this to come out emotionally impenetrable to face something even worse to come??
Or will this be one of the tougher rounds (of a few tougher years) before we eventually hit an easier patch??
These and a million more questions have been churning through my mind all week as I’ve allowed myself a few days to just wallow a bit.
And of course, the truth is, I probably won’t ever have definitive answers to any of these thoughts. Or if I do, those answers might come far into the future when I’m able to step back and look at the big picture of it all.
So all I can do for the time being is focus on the here and now. Putting one foot in front of the other as we attempt to restore our home. And to focus on the many, many blessings in our life. I keep them in a near-constant loop these days.
I’m so grateful that my family is healthy (well, except for the hubby’s digestive medical complications, but that’s a whole different blog post, ha).
I’m so grateful we made it through the brunt of the pandemic with the hubby’s job intact.
I’m so grateful my kiddos have been safe and happy with in-person learning since late October.
I’m so grateful that my crazy babies are completely unfazed by this latest life upheaval. Their moods have been steady. Their smiles and energy plentiful. And the only negative is a little less sleep than usual, since we’re packing so much into our days right now, and our bedtimes reflect that.
I’m so grateful that we had the incredible good fortune of efficient mitigation teams on site during the initial two weeks of this disaster.
I’m so grateful that we have a reasonable and responsive insurance adjuster.
I’m so grateful that the hubby and I always seems to operate as a solid unit during these yucky times. Sure, we bicker in escalating waves when emotions run high, but we each have strengths that shine through during hard days, and we try to acknowledge and appreciate one another and our respective contributions as much as possible.
I’m so grateful for teaching moments for my kiddos throughout this event. It’s so healthy for them to see Mama or Daddy having a bad day, or wrangling with certain feelings or stressors, and to know that it’s absolutely normal and okay. And that this, too, shall pass.
I’m so grateful we upgraded Little Man’s bedroom to include a queen size bed in October. It has been such a cozy—if a little overflowing and cramped—space for us to camp out while we’re living upstairs, and life would have been a lot more complicated if there was only a twin bed in here.
I’m so grateful for books, and the mental stability and joy they give me.
I’m so grateful for my new CrockPot (my previous one died in the water disaster) that I’ve nicknamed Crocky. It has more advanced features than my previous one, and this week alone has produced a glorious round of pulled pork and a perfectly tender roast with vegetables—along with a simple but comforting chicken soup tonight.
I’m so grateful for the kindness of anyone in my orbit right now. Whether it’s a text or sweet gesture from a family member or neighbor, an upbeat customer service representative, or an energetic cashier at Starbucks. Kindness and positivity are absolutely contagious—just as bad moods are—and I’ll take any of the light to counteract the darkness that I can at the moment!
And lastly, I’m so grateful for the tiny bits of normalcy and fun in our days. The Irwin Family (of Australia Zoo fame) deserves an absolute honorable mention right now, as we’ve been getting a ton of family joy watching episodes while snuggling before bedtime the past few weeks. And talk about some individuals who are always kind and upbeat and positive. They are excellent examples.
And I’m also so grateful for costume shenanigans. My kiddos have had Rodeo Fun in the past week or so—along with recital costume arrival for dance class. And these are all good and happy things. :)
Reminders that life gets crazy and complicated sometimes, and you have poor emotional weeks or disasters you don’t wanna deal with, but...life goes on. And there are always sparks of joy to find if you look for them.
So now...if you’re still with me through my whining and emotional purging, check out my adorable babies.
My too-cool and handsome cowboy (ugh, he’s getting so old!):
My exuberant Chicklet (birthday girl of the month!), whose smile lights up my life:
And my gorgeous Chica (serene and looking about 13-years-old):
And one last bonus shot from last week...the girlies on their rodeo day. :)
SO GRATEFUL it is now officially Spring Break.
I’ll be honest in admitting that taking a preciously-planned little road trip right now to the beach is NOT at all the headspace the hubby and I are in, but I know my babies will be in heaven and deserve some fresh air and a change of scenery. And there will be miles of smiles to be had!
TGIF, peeps.
Stay healthy, stay sane.
Over and out.
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