Fair, Not Equal: Sibling Social Lives

Okay, peeps.

I’ve got a hefty, unsolvable, constantly-morphing challenge to discuss on this here blog, tonight:

How to parent in a fair—if not equal—way, when there are multiple siblings in a household.

Obviously, there are rights, privileges, social activities, electronic access and on and on (and on!) that are gained in increments as a child ages, matures and shows the proper responsibility.

However.

There are also oodles and gobs of complications that come with those growing privileges when you have a tight family—including three kiddos of stair step ages who are used to doing everything all together.

Can I get an OYE.

We’ve been pretty fortunate, thus far with our general friendship circles—both in the neighborhood and at school. And by that, I mean that for the most part, we’ve been able to flock all together for play dates, birthday parties, swim fun, meetups at various events and even camps. And all kiddos have been one happy pile of chaos.

However.

As they continue to age, things are naturally changing, and complications abound!

Friendship circles have widened.

Some or all have found friends without siblings—or without siblings close in age to allow for giant group play dates.

Chica and her friends are certainly old enough for unchaperoned social fun (meaning: I can drop her off at a friend’s house and let her enjoy some time without needing to supervise.

And…last, but certainly not least, the collective social calendar in the household is just getting busier these days, and sometimes we have to divide and conquer because there just isn’t enough time or parental bandwidth!

But it’s just tough all around—especially for a family like ours that prefers to hang together. (And I really do mean that; it’s not just wishful, delusional parental thinking. My kids generally like being together for things, and don’t particular crave solo, no-siblings allowed activities. Better yet, they still like having us parents along for the ride and want us all together).

Now, with all of that in mind: enter our latest challenge, regarding a plethora of activities that converged last weekend.

It all began when the mother of a newer friend of Chica’s contacted me to see if I’d be interested in taking the girls (only the oldest from her family and mine) out for a fun evening at an art studio for some special time.

And of course, my answer was: heck, yes! Totally up our alley!

Followed immediately by: UGH. Now I have to navigate the disappointment and whining and logistics of the two siblings left out. Booooooo.

But first, a break for some pics of of the ensuing evening of art fun:

It was truly a lovely dinner and evening out with my beloved eldest and her lovely new friend—and this new friend’s mother, who I really enjoy.

And talk about a place that was right up our alley! I mean…go and pick out an art project from a million examples and spend an evening tackling it??  Could that be any more us?? 

A definite success and a special night out—if only it didn’t come with the complications of tight-knit siblings feeling left out.







So…enter the next stage of this complicated social weekend and what I did to help ease Chicklet’s and Little Man’s disappointment.

Basically, I caved on something Chicklet had been begging for, involving her closest little friend from down the street: I let her have her inaugural sleepover—away from home, so she’d also have something special to do that night, as well.

Now. I’ve got complicated and admittedly conservative opinions regarding sleepovers, and the gist is basically: I don’t love them.

So far, Chica has only hosted one and hasn’t yet stayed over at someone else’s house, so man oh man did she have opinions about her younger sister trumping her on this front. 

Chica: She gets to have a sleepover and she’s eight??? But I didn’t get to have one until I was nine!!

Chica: Why does she get to go to somebody’s house for one, when I haven’t??

Little Man: (amidst sobbing): But why do they get to have sleepovers when I don’t??? Why can’t we go together?? (Insert snotty hiccuping sobs). It’s not faaaaaair.

It’s the age old problem amongst close-knit, close-in-age siblings: a treat for one equals disappointment for another.

At least, that’s how it goes in our household. :(

Needless to say, Chicklet was out-of-her-mind excited about her sleepover—as was her little friend—but that excitement translated into a lot of talking about it. And a lot of talking about it let to a lot of hurt household feelings.

UGH.

Talk about a no good deed goes unpunished kind of scenario. Motherhood style.

Ironic that this was a social treat meant to level the playing field, when all it did was the opposite. It drove me bat shite crazy that my three kiddos had to whine and complain all week instead of behave kindly toward one another, and show support and excitement. Grrrrrr.

Now. Pause for pics of Chicklet before her big Friday night send off…

Including the friendship necklaces she requested so she could gift one to her friend. They’re magnetic koalas that link together in a hug. I die.







Needless to say, this was a monumentally fun evening and milestone for my middle born, and I was so happy for her—while also navigating the feelings of my other two. Most particularly, Little Man.

So to recap:

Chica and I were off for a mother/daughter art night with friends.

And Chicklet was off to a sleepover.

Which meant I had to play the part of Hype Woman and facilitate a boys night out for the hubby and Little Man, to try and give my youngest something special that he could look forward to. Oye.

In the end, they had a really fun and lively evening out at Main Event. They played tons of games, ate tons of food, and won tons of tickets. So fun was had by all (and zero pictures were taken, but at least the hubby took a hilarious video of Little Man wearing a virtual reality mask on a “roller coaster.” Ha.)

So in summary…planning ONE night of something unique and fun and different for each of my kiddos was quite a pain in the arse, quite a costly endeavor, and quite a test of willpower and patience as I navigated all the opinions and moods leading up to the weekend. 

And in case you can’t tell, I’m still up in the air as to whether or not it was worth it, ha.

I know (believe me, I know, I know) I’ll be facing more and more of these divergent activities and schedules with each passing year, and I know we’ll get to a point where that feels more like the norm instead of the exception.

But for now, the hubby and I and all three of our kiddos are generally pretty content to band together for all the fun as a unit that we can possible manage, and I hope we can keep that momentum going for at least another teeny tiny while before separate schedules and activities and interests pull us every which way.

Fair, not equal peeps.

It’s a thing.

A thing that will likely become a growing theme for us in the coming years.

And on that note…look for a post sometime soon along these same lines, but specific to the TWEEN years that we’re entering with Chica.

Change, it is a-coming. Always. Whether we like it or not!

Happy Tuesday, peeps!

Over and out. 

P.S. Someday, I’ll have to share a general post about my thoughts on raising three kids (not that I have anything to compare it with), as I think it comes with unique challenges along these fair-not-equal lines that seem more prominent than when there are two siblings and parents can play man on man coverage. 

And don’t even get me started about sharing my thoughts on raising very-close-in-age siblings. I could probably write a novel—of MY opinions only, ha. Again…nothing else to compare it with!

Things for another day. ;)